- 8-28-1995 Let me kiss upon you with my, OWN lips. - About Darth Vader's girlfriend
- 8-30-1995 I don't want to live near barbed wire.
- 11-22-1995 If I was him, I’d just jump off. He's gonna live. - About Willie E. Coyote
- 12-1-1995 Remember: If you die with amnesia, you won't remember dying.
- 12-21-1995 He's the king of making anything rhyme with like... anything.
- 1-27-1996 I don't want to see any more commercials with old people doing young people things. But I do want to see more commercials with animals talking.
- 5-4-1996 Knives make any trick a little bit better.
- 9-3-1996 That's the difference between me and you. You like sweet and I like coffee.
- 9-6-1996 Even though that show was based on a candy, it was funny as hell. - About Gummy Bears
- 10-1-1996 I did think it was pretty similar when Mork opened his hand and said “nanu nanu”, and spock opened his hand and said... what he said.
- 10-2-1996 I justify it because it’s me.
- 10-27-1996 I don't know how tall he is, I'm drunk.
- 11-22-1996 Leave it to Marlboro to put the Grand Canyon under water. - About a billboard
- 12-5-1996 That guy doesn't have teeth but he's got a puppy. That's not where my priorities would be.
- 12-9-1996 Oh my God, who's gonna play on the opening night of the moon? Who ever it is, they're gonna blow up on the way there. - About future moon colonization
- 12-31-1996 It's not that I was stupid in 7th grade, it's just that I was into discovering things by physically attacking them.
- 1-25-1998 Man, can't somebody just not use the computer to make a commercial. - Watching Super Bowl commercials
- 2-5-1997 I wish there were special bullets that shot into the TV. It'd be like cigarettes, I’d have to have them.
- 5-22-1997 Eww, there's another mother figure in my life.
- 7-4-1997 I bet cavemen would love fireworks.
- 7-18-1998 You're eating cereal while I'm drinking beer. - To our friend Terry, around noon.
- 12-26-1998 It's a bad idea, but sometimes I like bad ideas.
- 8-13-2000 This is awesome. They'd appreciate it if they went to art school. - In our pinhole photography class at camp.
- 7-19-2002 Remember what it felt like in eighth grade when you found out that the girl you really liked, liked you too? That's what ecstasy is like.
- 7-22-2002 You know every trucker must have like two or three stories of just blasting a deer.