- 3/4/2014 There’s no defense and it’s still a hard game. – About bowling
- 1/17/2014 I like thinking of Marina as an alcoholic bitch.
- 3/11/2014 The left Jeff. - Identifying which of the multiple Jeffs he meant
- 5/23/2014 I love accidental genius. – After declaring his memoir would be titled “It's Read for a Reason”
- 6/5/2014 Life is cool, huh? – At the end of a slap-happy work meeting
- 6/25/2014 Or, the opposite of a rabbit hole. A scattered mess.
- 6/25/2014 I thought that one told itself. – After simply saying the punchline “What’s a motto?”
- 6/25/2014 They have to ask us the questions, we can't just answer them. - About our work client
- 6/25/2014 It’s like having an imaginary friend, but real.
- 7/8/2014 I'm kind of all in.
- 7/8/2014 “Accidentally Racist.” That should be our band name!
- 7/8/2014 Soft on-board. - About our work project
- 7/15/2014 I need dumb puns. - Explaining why he didn’t get my joke involving the name Andrew Lloyd Webber.
- 7/17/2014 I know they’re not going to want open a fly-out just to open a drop-down. - About our work client
- 7/17/2014 I prefer the one with the dead head tab rather than the dead head indicator. - About our work project
- 8/8/2014 If we can keep Steven Hawking alive this long, we should be able to keep George R. R. Martin alive long enough to finish the books.
- 8/15/2014 Jealousy is a weird feeling.
- 2/2014/2015 I just want to do good work and not get sad - About work priorities
- 2/2014/2015 I feel perfect
- 2/2014/2015 She did those pink lawyer movies. - About Reese Witherspoon
- 7/24/2015 Do you ever waste your time on purpose?
- 7/24/2015 I hadn't had sex with this girl yet, and spoiler alert, I never have.
- 7/24/2015 "Gum." Every word is weird.
- 9/2/2015 We're gonna go nuts, maybe.
- 9/18/2015 I used to steal the young dudes to be my friends.
- 9/23/2015 I hate unique. (You know what I mean)
- 7/26/16 This blanket is round. - About his sleeping bag