- 1/10/1998 Or, if twin dummies died, I could bury them in this. - About a two-compartment wooden box.
- 2/2/1998 I know static means something. It has to.
- 2/10/1998 Is that a homeless cat, or a brown bag?
- 7/15/1998 You can have arms through positive thinking, just try! - About the idea of footstools playing volleyball.
- 7/28/1998 I don’t care who you are, you can't order a hot chocolate in this place and sound threatening. - At a fancy cafe
- 9/4/2000 Human beings just shouldn't wait tables.
- 7/29/2002 People have every right to be complicated.
- 7/27/2002 I don’t know what I want to do, I just stepped in gum.
- 10/26/2003 Yeah, she’ll probably be a serious baby until she loosens up. - About his ten-week-old
- 9/1/2013 I can't believe that place is still standing. Most places I worked have gone under. - About a pizza place where we worked together
- 2/9/2014 Brown teeth don't even look good in a brown statue. - About the Bronze Fonze, in Milwaukee
- 1/2/2015 Everyone sounds sexy and impatient. - About watching TV in Spanish.
- 1/1/2015 I feel like I'm walking into a clothes store in the mall with a bunch of attractive girls working there who accept me for who I am. - About the Nintendo Wii background music
- 1/1/2015 In seventh grade I had this vaguely Scandinavian character that I drew that served no purpose. His name was Heurgon Feurgon.
- 9/4/2015 If I get sarcastic with him, I feel like I'm stabbing a baby. - About a very sincere friend
- 9/4/2015 He's not even 70 and he sounds 95 years old.
- 1/4/2016 Mmm... tangible and exciting. So mutually exclusive.
- 1/5/2016 It’s like if the Hulk were articulate. - About how the more angry Dera (his wife) gets, the more precisly she speaks.